Woah — I do not want to be pregnant

Background before describing my dream last night:

I do not want kids. I have never wanted kids. I try to keep myself open to the possibility of someday wanting kids, but it’s really hard to imagine. Babies are fascinating, I just have no interest in having my own. Happy to expound as needed.

So I went to sleep last night with a small stomach ache, and dreamt the following:

I am at work, hiding my pregnancy, when I go into labor. I have a male midwife there, who helps me to a quiet room (a recently designated ‘mother’s room’ for breastfeeding). When we get there, I begin going into labor. I’m making a mess of the floor, wondering how we’re going to hide this mess (always the most important thing to worry about during labor). I try calling Dan, to let him know it’s time. He doesn’t answer his phone (typical), but then later texts to say he’s in New Jersey for an urgent work meeting. I start to panic — not that he wont be here, but because I want to give the child up for adoption and haven’t told him yet. I’m worried if he arrives late, I’ll have had time to bond with the kid, and it’ll be harder to make the decision I’m confident on.

Eventually, labor stops momentarily and we try to sneak out (me wearing a coat) to get to a hospital.

Lots of feelings of embarrassment that I’m pregnant despite my public disavowal of this state, as well as desire to have my decision followed through. I’ve never had a dream of being religious, or republican, or other beliefs I’m not interested in. So it’s always weird to have dreams like this.